The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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