He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
