Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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