when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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