Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
