I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
