you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
