i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
