i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
