I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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