Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
