You made me cry and you don't even care
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
