Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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