life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
