i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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