Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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