It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
