I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
