Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
