i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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