so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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