i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
