i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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