dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
