the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
