I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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