when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
