did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
