Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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