You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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