If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
