Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
