Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he thought i was a dude.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
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we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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