y did u give ur computer a hand job?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
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Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
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Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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