A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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