I'm so fucking centered right now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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