I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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