you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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