I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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