So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
