tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
