a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
