You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
