She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
