I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
