I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
