When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
