recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
