Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
