Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
