hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
