It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
