if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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