I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Randomize
