I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
