Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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