i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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