just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
they're like a gay fantastic four
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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