I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
