I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
